Why Some Engineers Hate PMs—and How We Can Earn Their Respect

Navigating the Love-Hate Relationship Between PMs and Engineers

We’ve all been there. You’re working with your engineering team, trying to balance leadership demands with realistic timelines, and suddenly it hits you: engineers don’t just find us annoying—some of them might genuinely hate us. This frustration isn’t new; you can see it plastered all over Reddit threads, Blind posts, memes, and even engineering blogs. It’s one of the top pet peeves in tech: PMs being perceived as the bearers of impossible asks, vague requirements, and, sometimes, unwarranted credit. Let’s face it: PM-ing isn’t always easy, but building strong relationships with engineers is one of the most critical parts of the job.

Let’s take a step back and talk about how we can better navigate this dynamic, what we might be doing wrong, and how we can improve—not just for the sake of harmony, but to truly elevate our products and teams.

Recognize the Reality: Engineers Do the Heavy Lifting

First, let’s acknowledge the obvious: engineers are the ones turning ideas into reality. They’re debugging errors at 3 AM, dealing with edge cases no one thought of, and ensuring the product doesn’t crumble when users inevitably behave unpredictably. Their work is tangible, measurable, and often the backbone of a successful release.

As PMs, our work is less visible. This creates a natural tension because what we bring to the table—prioritization, stakeholder management, strategy—is harder to quantify. But here’s the thing: we’re in this together. Recognizing their contributions isn’t just polite—it’s necessary.

Why They Might Hate Us

Here’s a harsh truth: sometimes, their frustration with us is justified. Let’s break it down:

• Vague Requirements: When we don’t understand the technical nuances or fail to provide clear acceptance criteria, it leaves engineers feeling unsupported and frustrated.

• Unrealistic Timelines: Whether it’s market pressure or leadership demands, asking for the impossible without a discussion signals a lack of empathy.

• The Credit Gap: Engineers often feel that PMs get the limelight for their hard work. If we’re not proactively crediting them, that’s on us.

• Bad PM Behavior: Let’s admit it: there are bad PMs who coast on ambiguity, give vague presentations, and take credit for work they didn’t do. They’re rare, but their existence hurts all of us.

How to Be the PM Engineers Respect

So, how do we build trust and ensure we’re viewed as allies rather than adversaries? Here are actionable steps:

• Seek Clarity Beforehand: Before presenting requirements, take the time to collaborate with stakeholders to refine them. Use frameworks like user stories or acceptance criteria to provide clear, actionable guidance. If you don’t understand something technical, ask early and often—engineers value curiosity and effort over guesswork.

• Advocate for Realistic Timelines: When you’re asked to deliver by an unrealistic date, don’t accept it at face value. Consult with your engineering team to understand what’s feasible. Use past project data, risk assessments, or dependency breakdowns to make a case for adjustments. Stand firm when necessary—it’s better to negotiate upfront than deal with burnout later.

• Give Credit Publicly and Specifically: During leadership meetings, team updates, or all-hands, call out specific contributions from individual engineers or the team as a whole. Go beyond generic acknowledgments—mentioning specific challenges they solved or innovative approaches they took can make your appreciation feel more genuine.

• Learn the Basics of Technology: While you don’t need to code, having a working knowledge of your product’s tech stack can dramatically improve communication. Take time to understand concepts like APIs, databases, or system architecture. Shadow your engineers during debugging sessions or ask them to explain technical constraints—this shows respect for their work and helps you make better decisions.

• Build a Continuous Feedback Loop: Create regular opportunities for engineers to share feedback about how you’re supporting them. Use retrospectives, anonymous surveys, or informal 1:1s to ask questions like: “What blockers can I help remove?” or “Is there anything I’m doing that’s making your work harder?” Act on this feedback consistently to show that their input matters.

• Document and Communicate Decisions: Engineers appreciate transparency. When you make a prioritization or strategy decision, document the reasoning and share it openly. For instance, explain why a particular feature is being prioritized over another and what trade-offs were considered. This reduces frustration and fosters alignment.

• Be Proactive About Dependencies: Engineers often feel blindsided by external dependencies or last-minute changes. Stay ahead by mapping out dependencies early and regularly checking in with external teams. Keep engineers updated on changes that might affect their timelines or workloads.

The Power of Transparency

One of the biggest sources of friction is the perception that PMs are decision-making in a black box. To counter this:

• Explain the Why: When you’re making a decision or setting priorities, share the reasoning behind it. Engineers are less likely to see a decision as “dumb” if they understand the context.

• Be Honest About Constraints: If leadership is driving a tough timeline or prioritization, don’t pretend it’s your idea. Transparency builds trust.

What Aspiring PMs Should Know

If you’re new to product management, building a good rapport with engineers is one of the fastest ways to succeed. Here’s what to focus on:

• Empathy First: Take time to understand their challenges before diving into strategy and roadmaps.

• Stay Curious: Attend engineering standups or ask them to walk you through the tech stack. Showing interest demonstrates respect.

• Over-Communicate: Ambiguity is your enemy. Clear, detailed communication helps everyone stay aligned.

Let’s Build Great Products—Together

Being a PM isn’t about controlling the process; it’s about enabling the team to do their best work. Engineers are your greatest allies in that mission. So, let’s ditch the stereotypes, acknowledge the frustrations, and commit to mutual respect and collaboration. After all, when PMs and engineers work well together, the result isn’t just great products—it’s a great team.